Surreal News in January 2021

Bull market, Capitol raid, Bigfoot, USB vaccines
January 28, 2021

"Save America! If you don't fight like hell, you're not going to have a country anymore!"

The "storm" that was once a 4-chan wet-dream, was now on the verge of erupting on the world stage. Thousands of patriots descended upon the nation's capital to free the world from a satanic cabal of pedophiles. The front door was open, but when the revolutionaries walked in, they realized they had no strategy. A man dressed as a shaman with bull horns and a Confederate flag chanted "America!" as his co-conspirators raided offices and kicked over furniture.

The orange officer was blamed for inciting this revolution. He was banned from social media, and the 26,000 tweets he carefully crafted during his presidency were removed. 25,000 armed soldiers were brought to the inauguration to defend against a meme-fueled Civil War. The reality star held his own ceremony next door, departing on a jet to the tune of disco music.

The inauguration turned out to be a calm one. President Clinton was caught bobbing his head as he struggled to stay awake. The world was fixated on a Vermont senator in mittens holding a Manila envelop labeled, "The Plan."

The economy began to slowly show signs of dementia. The US Treasury accidentally passed a bill that allows banks to settle transactions using magic internet money. This created a vacuum, pumping the value of a popular random number generator to a one trillion dollar valuation. The stock market was infected as well. Physical companies with doomed business models (movie theaters, video games stores, phones with physical keyboards) shot up exponentially. It turns out a YouTuber named Roaring Kitty figured out a short-squeeze opportunity that attracted an online community of self-proclaimed "degenerates." The strategy worked, collapsing several hedge funds, and transferring $13 billion in wealth from bankers to Internet trolls. Roaring Kitty's strategy brought Wall Street into survival mode, calling for a Federal Reserve bailout, shutting down exchanges, and censoring a Discord server that included 250 people yelling at the same time. The future of the world economy is uncertain.

Things have not been improving on the virus front either. Just as we begun distributing a cutting edge USB-vaccine, fate splintered the virus into a dozen new strands that are more contagious. There are no signs of re-opening, and desperate states are coming up with creative ways to boost tourism. Oklahoma passed a bill declaring an official "bigfoot hunting season," rewarding a bounty of $25,000 to whoever can catch the evasive beast.